You've known and hated me for a while, do you remember how our association began?

There's something super aggravating about how someone who looked so disheveled, could be so self-assured. That's even before you opened that hairy prolapse you call a mouth. I'm staring at your Google + profile, and it looks like you're laughing at a live ISIS execution. That's how much menace you exude. Reading your tweets, I knew IMMEDIATELY, this was someone who didn't have to worry about money. This was someone who lived in the bubble of privilege while swimming in unfathomable wealth. That was the only explanation for the steady stream of unmitigated narcissism, and an almost boastful lack of self-awareness. 

The first thing I noticed when we finally met was you didn't have the decency to look anybody in the eye. I was hurt at first, but then I realized, you were a worm who thought himself a dragon, and you didn't find ANYONE worthy of simple courtesy. When I went to one of your readings and tried to shake your hand, you handed me a broom and asked me "sweep up and look busy." I don't think I've been to another one, since. 

In addition to being one of the best callers on the Best Show, you've also been doing great work with Chris Gethard. What's it been like to work with Chris Gethard and where are you guys with latest projects?

I work FOR Chris Gethard, not WITH. I know you know this, and I feel this is a cheap dig at me, as you're constantly reminding me of my tertiary role. Fuck off, you bloated clown. You can catch the archived episodes when we win that Interactive Emmy.

What can people expect from your reading?

Something funny and heartfelt, so you might want to have those facial cue cards ready, so you don't feel out of place at your own event.